Musings of the Day
Moving Into My Heart
Hear this read aloud
You would think that this was taken before any trauma had occurred. I was so young and innocent. But the veil had already lowered over my light. This little girl buried herself deep inside, her light barely visible to anyone else. It is she who is so afraid when the surgeon’s knife threatens to cut into her hiding place. And it is she who I now hold in my heart, a new home where she is loved and protected forever.
The place she’s been living for all of these years was the only place she could find to burrow in back then. It became her cave, her sanctuary and from there she would send her cries up to me. I heard her when she cried, but didn’t know what to do to make her feel safe. To be fair, there were more times than not, that I ignored her pleas. The fear was so great that it controlled every bodily function. It permeated my thoughts. It ran my life. That was her trying to get my attention. Telling me that all was not well no matter how much I worked, distracted myself, convinced myself that I could master the details of my life. She was crying out and I was blocking her cries.
After 70 years of tears, of shaking in her cave in my gut, this little girl has reached my heart. How is it that it took this long to see her, to recognize the hell hole she had been living in? But when the threat of the surgeon’s knife triggered panic, I finally saw clearly. This was a threat to her home, the only place she had known to hide all my life. This upcoming surgery meant that she would have to move because her home was no longer safe. Someone was going to invade it and cut off her means of communication with me. This time I heard her cries. This time I saw her clearly. And this time I opened my heart and made room for her to live.
My heart is where she belongs and she will be safe there because I will no longer allow anyone to hurt her. She won’t have to yell so loudly to get my attention, because I am listening to my heart. This surgery is a monumental shift in how I live my life. Not only will it change my physical experience of living, it will alter forever where I live FROM. On a physical level it is redirecting the flow of nourishment in my body. On a spiritual one, it is cutting ties with patterns of generations passed.
There is a rightness to all of this, an alignment of the physical and spiritual that I’m not sure I have ever experienced in this way before. Am I still nervous? Is my body still automatically reacting? Yes it is. But my prayer is that when I wake up from this surgery, all of those patterns of fear are gone. That the cut of the knife releases them back to where they belong. And that this begins a new chapter of living a new life.