Musings of the Day
A Prayer For Healing
Hear this read aloud
I have begun questioning my decision to risk my health the way I did and expose myself to Covid. Of course, I didn’t know that I was exposing myself, but I did know that there was a chance, with all of the people I was going to come in contact with, that I would be exposed. I heard my doctor tell me the other day that this was the last thing my immune system needed right now and that it was not equipped to handle Covid. I have listened to others tell me that my decision to take this trip was foolhardy as if to say that I deserved what I got. And so I began questioning my own motives for taking a trip that landed me in the hospital and continues to challenge my health.
Here is what I have come to with all of my musings.
This was no mistake on my part. Though I couldn’t have known it consciously, on some level, my soul knew exactly what was needed for me to continue its journey. It knew the completions necessary to move on from the past and the experiences needed to carry me through this difficult passage. It knew that bringing me to this place of utter powerlessness was all part of a greater plan, one that I had no clue about when I made my decision to go on this trip.
My soul has been steering the ship all along.
Looking back at the gifts I gave myself by going, I am grateful that I went. I am even grateful that I am in this place of having to surrender, because surrender is and has always been, my greatest challenge. As a trauma survivor, being in control, or at least having the illusion of being in control, was my survival technique. I’ve held on for dear life just to make it through. But in order to live a life that is NOT based in trauma, one that is created out of love, letting go of control and trusting that there is a greater plan for me than I can orchestrate on my own, is paramount. I am committed to living that life, one of trust and the freedom to be who I am.
Here I am, still quite ill from the effects of Covid, pneumonia, bronchitis, asthma and severe fatigue. I am in the 4th week of this and don’t see an end in sight. The doctors say it could be months, some say it can last for years, so any timeline I had is out the window.
All there is to do now is let go. What exactly does letting go look like in real life terms? For me, imagining it is the first step. I have to put myself in that situation and feel what it might feel like. The sense of freedom I am after with surrender is one of lightness and ease. Letting go of controlling every bit of my life, feels more freeing now than frightening. If I am not the one in charge here, then wouldn’t it be easier to live? If all I have to do is follow the guidance I receive, isn’t that a relief? If I can let go of the reins and let my horse take me where it naturally wants to go, wouldn’t that be a more enjoyable ride?
Had I not gotten Covid and my health had continued to improve, my sense tells me that I would still be hanging onto some semblance of control. Letting go is harder when the illusion of control is still intact. Being clear that I am powerless to hurry this up or to change this situation much on my own, I had to find another way to be with this on a day-to-day basis. As a result of all of my musings, a new way presented itself. I have turned to a daily ritual of imagining what my heart longs for, asking for it and consciously letting go of the result. I asked for guidance and what came was to feel my heart and let myself long for what it wanted. Allow the longing to pull me forward. Not ideas of what I want, but the actual feeling in my heart.
It is a moment by moment practice, because all I want to do is put a timeframe on this healing business and get on with it. I know better than to do that. I had all of these visions of turning 70 and where I’d be and how it would feel, but the truth of it is that I have no clue where I’ll be in a few months with my health. I am not completing this year as I had envisioned when I began my “Painting a New Life” and I doubt I’ll be starting 2023 as I thought I would either. But the basis for painting a new life was all about living my truth, creating a life based on who I was and giving myself the freedom to live it. This is the truth right now. I am brought to my knees having to let it all go. Everything I thought I had created, every vision I had of how it was going to be, and every dream I had of what I wanted for myself. Just letting it all go.
In this moment, with Covid and all that I am dealing with, the truth is in surrender.
I created this image and wrote this prayer when I realized that this was the case. I got it in my bones that day. I’m sharing it with you as I have shared the rest of this journey throughout this year, in the hope that there is some piece of my journey that will resonate with and serve your own.
My Prayer For Healing
I ask now that the great winds blow through me
dislodging the cemented beliefs in every corner of my mind
Blowing away the dust of thoughts and fears
still lingering after lifetimes
and no longer mine to bear
I implore the waters to wash me clean
of the debris dumped on my shores
Poison that has found its way into my tissues and made me ill
I yearn for the emptiness in my bones
that follows the outgoing tides
And the lightness in every cell
after the fires have burned away their sludge
I long to be empty, open and free
A hollow vessel for Spirit’s gifts to flow through me
I turn to the spirits
who watch over me
And I surrender to the darkness
of a never-ending night
Listening for their calls in the
hours when no one else can hear
I beg of you Spirits, winds and tides
Wash me clean
Blow through my bones
Burn away all that is not mine to carry
I offer you my life in exchange
Leave me on the shore
With only my true self
To dress in the robes of the Priestess
To walk in the shoes of the Priestess
And to love with the heart of the Priestess
From this day forward
I wish you all extraordinary health and the fulfillment of your soul's greatest longings.