top of page

Living a New Life




I am not one to do nothing when there is the possibility of doing something. It’s not so much a compulsion anymore as simply my way of transmuting energy. I take whatever is happening and use it to create something better, more beautiful and life affirming. And I made the false assumption going into this last surgery that I would be doing exactly that as a way of recuperating from that surgery. My work with Spirit before the surgery was deeper and more potent than ever. I asked very clearly for exactly what I wanted to have happen and I assumed that because things had lined up so perfectly for the surgery to occur, that the aftermath would follow suit and be seamless.

I was dead wrong.

Well, let me take part of that back. I was wrong to make assumptions. And I was wrong to think that what’s happening now is anything other than what is in my highest good. It could be Spirit’s answer to my prayers disguised as tremendous pain and debilitation. Who said it was going to look a certain way? I did. Not anyone else. I asked for a result. Not necessarily how it was going to come about.

I’ve been taking a few days to consider letting go of just about everything. The aftereffects of the surgery have stripped me of my usual mechanisms for coping with situations. I’m worn out physically and emotionally. The last painting I created was a complete fog, showing me, and most of those who have seen it, that perhaps there is no need to see clearly right now.

Perhaps the answers I’m seeking will be revealed without the search, in their own time.

When I no longer feel creative or truly like doing much of anything, what is there to do? Is this one of those times when all there is to do is breathe and simply “be?” It seems to me that this is exactly what’s called for now to allow my body the space to recuperate. My energy reserves are low and its taking all of them to just be, let alone repair my body. This is not the time to put any of those precious resources into anything else. But sometimes I want to go kicking and screaming because there is so much I want to DO!

And then I realize that I really don’t. I just think that I do because that’s what I’ve always done.

Doing is an old habit, one I am quite good at. And creating is my “go to” mode of transmuting every negative into something not only palatable, but beautiful and useful. What if I’m not even supposed to do that now? What would it look like to just be alive, nurture myself into recovery and let everything else dance around me in whatever way it will? There is no need for answers. No need for action. No need for productivity. Spirit gave me this time to simply heal. It’s a gift.

What if there is only faith that all that I asked for is actually happening on some level that I am not privy to at this moment? My spiritual practice doesn’t look like it usually does. I don’t have the energy for anything. But what if I don’t need to? What if this recuperation time was not supposed to be about my usual way of doing things? After all, the whole purpose of the surgery was to live in a new way. I set something in motion months ago when I made this decision that is already trickling down to those close to me, though they are thousands of miles away. Like the butterfly effect, the ripples are being felt. Maybe I already flapped my wings and now it’s time to literally lie back and let Spirit take over. Do the heavy lifting, because I certainly can’t.

The truth is that when the surgeon cut into my belly, something broke loose. I asked it to. Something was set in motion that is so powerful that it is taking all of my energy just to live through the shifts and changes that are happening on an energetic level. My entire system, both physical and otherwise has gone offline and is recalibrating to a new way of operating. It’s a bit like upgrading the operating system of my computer. Better, stronger, but things have to shift a bit to accommodate it. They have to upgrade as well.

As a result of these shifts, it seems as if some of the worst trauma of my past has been cut loose to be dealt with. I asked that this surgery free me from any ties to things that have been hanging on and keeping me from fully thriving. I wanted this to be an opening, a freedom that I had not experienced up till now. Unbeknownst to me, there was something lingering that needed to be released, dealt with, and completed. And in the release, all hell broke loose. It brought with it rage that I didn’t know still lived in me. It opened a door to my past that I thought had been shut for good. And it offered me an opportunity to give voice to that rage and bring healing to places I wasn’t aware still needed healing. In the process, my physical healing took a back seat and now I need to not only heal from the surgery, but from the effects of what has broken loose in me. This is clearly a time of realigning my life in a completely new way and that requires all of what I have to bring to the table. There is nothing more important.

The question “What if all there is to do is breathe and be?” seems to be the answer I have been seeking. The fog will eventually lift, and the way will be shown to me, the path clearer than ever before. The help to travel it, present as always. And myself? Richer for having loved myself enough to accept the gift of honoring being alive and having that be enough. Having my life be enough, whether I am doing anything or not.

Healing my body is not a small thing—it IS doing something. It just looks like it’s not. Sometimes doing nothing is the most important thing I need to do.

I will say one more thing about this subject though, because this is not an unfamiliar challenge to me, the “doing vs. being” response. It came up months ago when I was so sick with Covid. And it has come up throughout every physical illness and challenge I’ve had for years. Each time, I get better at recognizing the automatic pattern faster and responding with more grace. For myself and those who think that a lesson learned is learned forever and done with, I will say that that alone is yet another lesson in all of this.

The recognition that my humanity, my life experiences and traumas, and my ego, still play as large a part in my automatic responses to situations, is humbling.

It is the ability to shift my thoughts and actions more quickly and with more ease and grace that shows me my growth. So, for today, I will say that I am more comfortable with doing less or almost nothing at all. I am more willing to let go and turn the reins back to Spirit to orchestrate my healing. The fact that I see this and am writing about it means to me that I’ve already made some shifts and that tomorrow might just be a bit easier on this road to recovery with my resources used where they are most needed. In healing.


bottom of page