Musings of the Day
The Presence of Miracles
Hear this read aloud below
I’m a bit unnerved.
And then I realize that I’m really not!
There is something happening right now as I write this that is so perfect that it almost makes me giddy with the possibilities. And it’s nothing like what you might imagine. I’m having surgery in a matter of days, a surgery that I have been avoiding for years, but, when successful, should alter the quality of my life for the better.
Now you might think being giddy about a surgery is odd, but it’s not really the surgery that is causing it. It’s the way it has all come about and what that is showing me about myself and the possibilities for my life. Let me explain a bit further.
I said that I have been avoiding this for years and I have. I’ve been avoiding taking care of a few medical issues that have been plaguing me for a very long time because I didn’t want to face what they would entail. I was afraid. I had had enough medical intervention to last me another 10 lifetimes! But I made the decision that this year was going to be the year to “bite the bullet” and fix what I could not fix any other way.
I have spent many years on a journey of healing the deep issues in my life. In the process I had hoped that whatever healing I had done would take care of the lingering physical problems and I would be able to bypass the medical route. What I wasn’t aware of was the distinction between healing and curing and that some things need medical intervention. Some things need to be “fixed” on the physical level. It’s a bit like saying we shouldn’t need to exercise, eat healthy food, drink enough water, to be healthy. We should just be able to journey and meditate and somehow enjoy miraculous health. It doesn’t work that way.
Months ago I became aware of the fact that I had done the spiritual, emotional healing work behind the medical issues I have. I was “healed” so to speak. But the medical problems not only persisted, they increased in their effect on my life. Why were they getting worse? I had done my work!!!! And then I realized that as important as healing was, it wasn’t the only component.
I am a physical being. I have to address things on all levels, including the physical. What I also became aware of was that the reason I could now address the physical component, was because I HAD done the true healing of the underlying issues. They were gone and that had paved the way for the physical intervention to actually work. And this is why no physical treatments had worked up till that point. The healing had to happen before I could fully “cure” the condition.
So why am I giddy? Well here’s the other part of all of this that is blowing my mind. When I decided that this year was going to be about rebuilding my body and “renovating,” I went to Spirit and asked for help. I knew I was still resistant and I also knew that I didn’t want to spend the entire year in surgeries and recuperation. I just wanted it done. I had other things I was bursting to do, like some of the creative projects that I’m so jazzed about. I have been asking Spirit every day to expedite this process, to help me find the right surgeons, to guide their hands in surgery for my highest outcome and to make it happen soon. I am so ready to end my suffering and live a higher quality of life.
Once I asked, things began to move very quickly and I found myself terribly anxious and triggered. The PTSD I suffer from around medical procedures and doctors was once again on the surface of my experience. I took that to Spirit as well and asked that the fear be quelled and that I go into this with a sense of rightness and peace, knowing that I was being watched over and taken care of. This first surgery was supposed to take months to happen. There are two surgeons involved and two separate procedures to coordinate, which I was told could take a long time, putting these surgeries out into the spring of this year. The first surgeon got me in on a cancellation, scheduled the first procedure to determine the type of surgery I would need and then told me that I would need an additional surgery and a consultation with a second surgeon before we could proceed. I called the second surgeon right away and they just happened to have a cancellation for two days from then. He was booked out 6 weeks without that appointment coming open. I went to that consult and he told me it would be four to six weeks before they could get me in for surgery. The two surgeons only work together once a month. But as I was on the phone scheduling the surgery, the woman on the other end stopped and looked at what appeared to be something strange on the schedule. There had been a cancellation for surgery the following week!
All of this might sound like good luck or coincidence, but I know differently. There are too many things in my life that are just happening to work out in my best interest. Simple things, but I know that Spirit is controlling the timing and orchestrating the way they are all rolling out. Its happening out of my asking and my willingness to surrender control over how things happen. I’m trusting that I’m being guided to exactly what I need for my life to unfold as it needs to. This is what’s making me giddy. Not the fact that I’m having surgery, but the reality that I don’t have to worry about it. That with Spirit in control and “my control freak” self taking a back seat, I no longer have to stress over how things will happen, when they will happen or if they will happen. I’m not anxious over the surgery. I’ve done the inner healing so I know that the physical level will work. I know that the details will be taken care of somehow. I know that the recuperation time will be rich with gifts on many levels.
Am I looking forward to staying in a hospital and having my body cut open? Not really, but I also sense that this will be a different experience than I’ve had in the past. I’ve got my own back here. I’m giving the surgeon permission to cut into my body. This is not a violation as it has been before. He is simply the vehicle through which Spirit will repair my body and ease my pain.
Written two weeks later....
The surgery was a success and I'm grateful that it's over. My giddiness has passed, lost in the aftermath of symptoms that have snowballed into pain. But one thing hasn't changed through all of this, through the pain and the lack of sleep and the feeling of being at my wit's end with it all. I know that Spirit is orchestrating this too. I have something to see, to learn, and when I do, I will write about that as well. Stay tuned.