Musings of the Day
Coming Full Circle
"Awakening the Dawn"
I got hit over the head the other day, literally. It was one of those freak accidents that could have been avoided had I been a bit more aware of my body, but the split second crash caught me by surprise. I was putting something away in a huge antique wooden trunk in my studio and just as I was about to pull my head out of the trunk, the top came crashing down on top of me. I was stunned and in shock.
Here I am six days later, still in pain and reeling from it all. It stopped me in my tracks. I had just made the decision to add more play into my life. I was clearing space in my studio for new creations to emerge. And I was excited to see what play would feel like as I made room for more of it. It seems that so many times when I think I am on the verge of a shift in a positive direction, I get stopped by something physical. This has caused me to view my body and its needs as a burden and something that gets in the way of me creating what I want. Instead of wanting to take care of myself, I get angry and frustrated that one more thing is in the way of whatever vision I am on the path to materializing.
When things like this occur, I know that it is no “accident,” at least not in my case. I have a way of stopping myself when I am offtrack in some area. Its like a reset button only with pain and illness attached. Not my preferable way to wake up, but it does the trick when I’m not listening to the subtle messages coming my way. My soul will not allow me to stray very far from my intended purpose and this one is big. Yesterday I was able to see the bigger picture with a little help from a friend.
Here is how I see this now.
Months ago, after my surgeries, I became aware of being in what I called my “womb space.” This is a place of gestation, not action. It is a space in which who I am becoming is still in fetus form, taking in all of the nutrients that I am able to provide so that it can grow into a healthy, whole being ready to enter the world. In this space, my whole focus needs to be on nurturing this fetus, not on operating in the outside world. Seeing this as if I was actually pregnant, I realized that there is a much larger picture here that I hadn’t been aware of prior to getting hit on the head. It has to do with my actual purpose in life, one that I denied for the most part and am just now embracing as truth. I am here to give birth to myself, welcome myself into the world with love and free myself to live as who I truly am. Here is the “full circle” I am speaking of….
I was born into a woman’s body that didn’t want me. She didn’t want to be pregnant and wished me gone from the start. When I was born, the message was a continuation of what I had received in the womb. I was not wanted and my life was now ruining hers. I had a father who only wanted a son and I was not that. The world I came into was not a welcoming one. I felt unloved and unsafe and I have lived a life trying to prove that my existence is actually valid and I deserve to live. Those early messages have been imprinted on my DNA making life feel like one big survival act, devoid of pleasure and fun. That was the beginning of this circle I am referring to.
Now, in painting this new life and living it, I find myself pregnant with myself. I have the opportunity to welcome this new being into the world in a whole other way. Until now, I didn’t quite see that I was still viewing this pregnancy as an inconvenience, and relating to my body as a burden because it needed extra care. Here is my chance to recreate my life completely, to be in the womb of someone who actually wants me, loves me and is caring for me. To care for my body as the vessel, the temple for my soul and the soul of the one who I am becoming. And to put aside all else in this sacred space in favor of caring for myself. These are the actions that matter now. This is my calling now. There is nothing outside myself that is more important. This is the next step along this circular path.
Loving myself and nurturing myself into this rebirth is my purpose. If I create things along the way, they must be in alignment with this purpose, created solely as a loving act towards myself, for myself. This womb space is sacred and some day it will be gone, never to come again. I will have given birth to myself and freed myself to walk the earth fully embodied and I will probably miss being pregnant. This is a time to be honored and cherished, not seen as an inconvenience.
I have spoken recently about play. That’s something I need to learn now as a baby still in the womb. To play at life. To live with joy. To laugh and smile. And it has to begin in this gestation stage. I’m being guided to learn this skill now so that the child growing within me will instinctively know it before she is born. It will be part of her new DNA.
Play and fear cannot exist together. When I first came into this life it was into a mother’s womb steeped in fear. I bathed in it and it permeated my cells. Then I was born into a world filled with that energy. Life in my family was serious and usually tinged with anger and anxiety. There was no room for play there. All I knew was fear. Now, play is essential for me to spread my wings and fly one day. I am relearning both as a “baby,” and as an adult.
I am also mothering in a way I never had the opportunity to as well. When my son, adopted at birth, came home to me, it became apparent very early on that I was not going to have the freedom to be just his mom. I became mother, father, breadwinner, and protector. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to do any of those roles very well. I did what I knew how to do, but both of us lost out on the chance to have the full experience of being mothered. We weren’t safe then either and we both lived with anger and fear. It wasn’t until this time in my life when I am safe to evolve into my true self, that I am also able to create the space to be both child and mother in an environment of love and to mother my son in the ways I never could when he was a kid. Being married to someone who not only loves me unconditionally, but sees me for who I am and honors me for it, enables me to give birth to myself and be the mother I never had a chance to be before, both to myself and my son. Full circle. Healing core wounds. Recreating my life.
This time in my life is like none other. Getting hit on the head with a
wooden trunk woke me up once again to how essential it is for me to luxuriate in being pregnant with myself and not allow my ego to pull me out of this space. Nothing is more important than nurturing a new life. And this life is my own. It is the sole purpose of my life, this healing and rebirth, because it heals not only the past 70 years, but lifetimes. This is exactly what I came to do. My body is not the burden I thought it was. It is a sacred temple that has been desecrated too many times and is healing from it all. If it stops me from doing the things I love to do for now, then I will do all I can to help it heal so that perhaps one day I can enjoy those things again. Full circle.
From this place in the womb I can only see just so far. What lies outside is not my concern at this moment. That doesn’t mean I’m not also a responsible adult when I need to be, but when I find myself pulled outside this space too much, for too long, I have to look at what it is that I’m allowing to catch my attention. Then ask myself if it is my ego pulling at me or a real need to address something in the material world. This is not the time for me to be thinking too much, doing too much or analyzing much at all. Babies in the womb are only present to their immediate surroundings, feelings and sensations. That is my job now. To be present and if something doesn’t bring a smile to my heart then perhaps it can be put on the side until such time as I have the legs to stand on and deal with it. And maybe by then I’ll see that it wasn’t so important after all.
Right now as I write these final words, the birds are singing outside my window. The sun is streaming through the branches of the tree standing feet from the window sill, dancing on the walls and floor beneath my feet and the air is soft and warm. The day is nearing its end and all I really need to do is relax into the evening, be with those I love, and forget that the world outside this window would love to pull me into some drama or another. I am pregnant with the most important person ever and all that really matters at this point on the circle is to simply feel her grow within my belly and feed her joy.
Listen to this read aloud below